When I first got sober (this final time) I was the definition of a fuckin try-hard. Let’s be real, I’m kind of a try-hard with everything I do. But, with sobriety, I really needed to try whatever I could. After the initial soul-crushing physical withdrawal (which lasted days for me), my mental well being was beyond diminished and it took any and everything within and outside of me to not think about the drink.
I was determined (and legally forced) to give sobriety an honest, wholehearted try. This time, I really needed and wanted to take it seriously. I knew how to abstain; the problem was, I didn’t want to and ultimately, I always ended up going back. I’m fully aware of the whole “ODAAT” (one day at a time) acronym and how it’s used in so many programs. I get how and why that works for so many people but I needed my mentality to be at “NTFA” (never the fuck again). And don’t give me the whole “never say never” bullshit cause that applies to things like jumping out of an airplane or eating a food you think is gross when you’re a kid. I wanted to be to the point where I genuinely believe it when I say “I will never drink again.” I’m still not there. I can say it, and want it, but I don’t know that I fully trust myself to believe it 100%. YET •
I do believe that I damn sure wouldn’t be remotely close to “NTFA” if I didn’t become a full-fledged sober try-hard. I wanted to immerse myself in all things sober. I joined groups, went to meetings, classes, read books & blogs, tried new hobbies, crafts, activities, etc. I’m still trying new things regularly. See, the scariest and most challenging part about it was forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Here’s the thing though, I was already without my biggest comfort: the booze! That, in itself, was the hardest thing to do. So, anything outside of that was like a walk in the park (I took many a walk in the park btw).
The thing I struggled with was realizing that I didn’t like a lot of what I was trying. It made me feel like I was failing at sobriety if I didn’t want to continue going to a Tai Chi class or go to an AA meeting. I had to get over myself and be okay with not liking or being good at some of the things that were working for other people. I had to find what worked for me •
Finally, I have to mention that I fully believe that everyone’s journey is their own so do or don’t do any of the shit I have listed below. This is just what I specifically needed to build my sobriety on. I think whatever it is that keeps you sober in this moment is what you should do for you.
So, below I have a list of my “FUNDIES”. The fundamentals that are my building blocks in recovery. People, places, and things that worked and continue to work for me; the stuff that keeps my sobriety safe & saves my life every day. In no particular order (because each of them carries their own weight and purpose in my recovery), here are the reasons I am and continue to stay sober as fuck •
| THE FUNDIES |
• SLEEP
I don’t think you have to be a doctor or medical professional to know how important getting a good nights sleep is to your physical and mental health. There are numerous scientific and medical facts I could bore you with explaining how if you drink, even in small amounts, or moderately, it will negatively affect your sleep patterns which in turn ends up being detrimental to your overall well-being. Sleep is a basic human function; it’s essential to energy conservation & storage, self-repair & recovery, and brain maintenance. Alcohol interrupts and prohibits these processes from happening while you sleep.
I remember the morning after the first night (post DTs) I had gotten a full, uninterrupted nights sleep. I woke up thinking “holy shit, I haven’t slept that good in twenty years.” Chances are, if you were to ask a sleep specialist, I probably hadn’t.
Sleep is one of the many things I no longer take for granted now that I’m sober and I sure as hell wouldn’t have made it through the first few days/weeks without a lot of quality sleep. I slept hard AF.
I have a newfound love & appreciation for my sleep and how much of a game changer it is. Especially when it comes to maintaining sobriety and well, living a better life in general. It’s one of the first and most important things that drastically improves sans-alcohol.
• JOURNALING
Journaling is an anchor in my day-to-day sobriety. I have multiple journals that I write in every day, some weekly, and others, when the mood feels right.
My daily journal is a way for me to check in with myself both in the morning and at night before bed. I designed it so I could be intentional about, and reflect on each of my days. It has my sobriety count (jokes on me about that ODAAT comment huh?), a space to write down my feelings in the moment, daily affirmations, self-care activities, gratitude, positive things that happened, daily takeaways, & plans for the next day.
I also have a separate journal where I write motivational/inspiring quotes and sayings. Not only does it provide a place for me to reference when I’m feeling down or need a boost of confidence; the act of writing these things down helps to lock them in my psyche. It manifests good vibes and creates good energy.
I’ve also tried lots of “guided” or “prompted” journals which are super helpful especially if you’re someone like me who has a lot to say but no idea where to start. Prompts help to get the thoughts rollin’. A couple I like are:
• “A Five Year Question A Day”
• “Inner F*cking Peace Journal: Transcend Your Bullshit and Be Happy”
I highly recommend journaling to get your thoughts out onto paper and into the multi-verse. Grab a pen and see what comes out! Or if you hate journaling or writing, don’t listen to a word I just said and do what makes you happy and keeps you sober.
• FIND A MEETING(S)
In my opinion, meetings are the “bread and butter” of recovery. Whatever point one may find themselves at in their recovery, I strongly suggest (damn near insist) they get themselves to a meeting. Better yet, go to a lot of meetings. I was fortunate enough early on to find an in-person regular meeting/group that I now attend every Thursday night. I have gone to plenty of AA meetings, I even have the Twenty Four Hours A Day book that I read from every morning. But, for me, some of the structure and foundation of what AA is built upon doesn’t necessarily align with my core beliefs. That is not to discount the incredible success of countless people who have done the Twelve Step Program and are living beautiful sober lives, it just isn’t the right fit for me. I’ve also attended Refuge Recovery which is a Buddhist and meditation based style that I enjoyed quite a bit. I’ve looked into SMART (Self Management and Recovery Training) which uses cognitive based therapy and focuses more on scientific and evidenced-informed recovery methods.
S.O.S. (Secular Organizations for Sobriety) is the group that I call my sobriety “home”. Initially, I chose to go to my first SOS meeting solely because it is secular. It was important for me to be a part of something that left religious beliefs (or lack there of) out of the recovery equation. As a member of SOS, you can believe in whatever you damn well please. It still upholds the anonymity of its members just like any other meeting you’d find but the structure is very loose and more times than not, they end up turning into hour long conversations about our individual and collective experiences with sobriety. I feel comfortable there; free to express my feelings and thoughts, and I love that the group is made up of people from different backgrounds, ethnicities, age, and perspectives. I genuinely value the insight, advice, and witty banter that I get from this love-able group of misfits. Whether I’ve had a good, bad, or indifferent kind of week, I look forward to checking in with the “gang” (as one of our eldest members calls us) every Thursday.
Whether you do the 90 in 90 (90 meetings in 90 days), multiple meetings per day, zoom meetings once a month, or just show up when you get the urge, meetings are a fail-safe way to maintain sobriety. Even if it’s just for the hour you’re there. There are people there like you, who have been through the same struggles, who want to listen, and they are all there for the same reason you are.
• EXERCISE
Okay, so here’s the thing, I get that there are a lot of people out there who hate exercising. Hell, I did for a long time! To be fair, younger me was pretty active and I love sports (mainly because I love competition of any kind) but, regularly exercising or working out? No thanks. It was never something I could get into or do on a consistent basis (drinking was the only thing I did consistently for as long as I did it).
But then I got sober. I desperately needed something, anything, to keep me occupied and help pass the time. One of my biggest fears about getting sober was boredom and what to do with my time. (I have a whole post I plan to write dedicated to time & sobriety so keep an eye out for that). I already belonged to a gym and probably hadn’t stepped foot in one for the better part of five years (probably longer) so I knew I needed something different to spark my interest in any physical activity whatsoever.
That’s when I found ROCovery Fitness. My sister had been a member when she was getting sober and gone to a few of their classes/events so I figured I would try it out. I joined ROCovery a week after my last drink and it became the pivotal starting point on my journey into sober living through fitness.
I regularly go to boxing classes on Wednesdays at the Outreach Center. I’ve done hikes at local and state parks (with free transportation to and from), they have Yoga, Friday Night Trail Runs; I ran my first ever 5K in September with them! It’s a great way to keep busy while staying both physically and mentally active. ROCovery also hosts a variety of organized meetings throughout the week, including Refuge Recovery, AA, Overeaters Anonymous, and S.O.S. (Secular Organizations for Sobriety), the organization and group I attend every Thursday nights religiously (pun intended).
ROCovery helped me see that through keeping your body and mind active & engaged, you cannot only maintain a sober life, but, a healthy, happy one! I truly don’t know that I would still be sober if I hadn’t joined the ROCovery community. Check them out:
https://www.rocoveryfitness.org
During the majority of my adult life, the only active thing I did was drink. Oh! I did play kickball during most of my twenties. I was actually an all-star kickball player. But, kickball almost always involved getting drunk, before, during, and after the games so that’s the real reason I was a fuckin champ. It didn’t have anything to do with being active and healthy.
The long-winded point I’m trying to make here is that even if you’re someone who hates the thought of exercise or physical exertion in general, I still say, give it a whirl. For one, there are like a bazillion medical journals and doctors that will tell you why exercising and being active is vital to your health. I spent two decades slowly destroying my body and mind with alcohol, so I figured maybe I should do something to counteract that. Stopping drinking is the first step and after the initial withdrawals wear off, being sober without a doubt makes you feel better (I mean, you’ve stopped putting poison into your body for fucks sake). But, doing daily activity will provide that boost of adrenaline, endorphins, and dopamine that alcohol used to provide. I have personally experienced the euphoria of a dopamine rush after a good run or a killer workout and that’s some shit I’m okay with being addicted to. I am not in any way a gym rat, I don’t pump iron & lift weights, I look like Gumby (90’s cartoon reference) when I dance, and I hate sweating but I still make it a point to do something active every day. Go for a walk, have a one person dance party, play hopscotch, run a god damned marathon, skip on your way to get the mail, do something, anything (except drink).
• OUTPATIENT / INPATIENT TREATMENT
I’ve been through three outpatient chemical dependency treatment programs. All except for this last time were court ordered and technically, had I not gone voluntarily on this go-around, the court would have ordered it anyway.
When I got my first DWI, I was forced into this 10 week outpatient program of group therapy, mostly comprised of delinquents like myself who had gotten into trouble with the law for drug or alcohol related offenses. Can you tell by my tone how seriously I took it? I basically showed up every Saturday morning, pissed off that I couldn’t go out and drink with my friends the previous 3 days cause I had to pee in a cup to prove I hadn’t been drinking. I’d put on the act like there was no reason why I should be there because I surely didn’t have a problem and I listened to a bunch of idiots share/brag about how messed up they “used” to get. I endured the ten torturous weeks, got my completion certificate for the judge and went right back to my party girl ways.
The second outpatient stint was lo and behold due to another DWI. It’s a total shocker that I didn’t learn my lesson the first time right? I didn’t take any of it seriously the first time around and to be honest, the second time wasn’t much different. I did have a different counselor who was a recovering addict herself (which for some reason made more of a difference than the fact that she had a college degree & studied this shit). We did a mix of group sessions and individual one-on-one follow ups. I definitely faked my way through most of it like I did before, but some of the things we talked about did register and I took a few tidbits of wisdom with me. Not nearly enough to learn my lesson though.
This last time, I went back voluntarily, mainly because a lot of time had passed and along the way many a horrible drinking pattern developed. And, full transparency, I also knew I was on “last chance” type shit with the law.
I took it seriously this time and the first thing I did was refuse group therapy. I was already going to meetings at ROCovery and although I do appreciate the value in group settings, I knew a percentage of the people in those groups weren’t there because they wanted to be. In order for me to get what I needed out of it, I knew it had to be an individual, personal setting for me.
One of the main focuses we spend time on in my counseling sessions is coping and learning to live a life sans-alcohol. And most importantly, how to sustain that life. It has honestly been such a different experience this time around. Mainly because I didn’t just hear what my counselor was saying, I listened. And I did the work.
Most of the outpatient programs I went through had a lot to offer. They have great tools & resources and I do believe it’s so important to find the right setting and the right counselor. But mostly, it’s about actually putting in the effort and being willing to work with them on developing the skills to manage your addiction. If you’re honest with yourself, with them, and with your sobriety, an inpatient/outpatient program can help prepare you for life post-treatment.
• FIND A THERAPIST / SPONSOR / SOBER SUPPORT INDIVIDUAL
This is one is a work in progress for me. A “page loading…” so-to-speak. I have grown to appreciate my outpatient counselor and even when I am no longer “required” through court to go bi-weekly, I will still see her on a regular basis. I think it’s important to find a counselor or therapist that specializes in addiction, a sponsor, or sober support so you have someone dedicated to helping you through recovery.
The kicker is also finding someone to help you work through all the “other stuff.” For so many of us, especially in early sobriety, the focus is, and has to be on not drinking, preventing relapse, and day-to-day sobriety maintenance. Beyond that, we need to dig deep to figure out and work through what it was that made us drink in the first place. Address the root causes of what made us turn to the drink; what we were looking to escape from?
I’m still a little stuck on this one but I’m okay with that for now. It’s more than okay to be picky and particular about a therapist; choosing a person to tell all your deepest darkest secrets and fears isn’t something to take lightly. And doing a deep dive into all the skeletons in the closet isn’t something I’m hyped to do but I’m ready to put in the work to make sure I achieve sobriety long term and fix some other shit along the way.
• TELL PEOPLE
Okay, this one comes with a huge disclaimer:
I’m in no way suggesting that anyone “out” themselves regarding their addiction and subsequent sobriety if you’re not ready to. I don’t think you have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. It’s nobody’s business. Addiction and recovery are multi-layered, extremely personal experiences so if you’re not comfortable sharing, that’s okay. As much as I feel support is a huge part of the recovery process, it’s entirely up to you what you decide to let others in on.
That being said, for me, being open about my addiction & sobriety has been therapeutic, and a way to keep myself accountable. I actually love talking about it. For obvious reasons, I was hesitant to tell anyone at first but it’s not like most of the people close to me didn’t know what was going on. When you have a problem as severe as I did, even though you think you’re hiding it well, you’re not. Just ask my mother, she never misses the opportunity to tell me how I could never fool her (cue intense eye roll).
It was hard enough to admit I had a problem to myself, let alone say it aloud to others. Of course, my family and close friends knew my drinking had become increasingly worrisome and unhealthy. My husband saw first hand how bad it had gotten; he saw the worst of it. And I’m sure coworkers and even other casual acquaintances had noticed that something was off.
As expected, I had plenty of mixed reactions when I started telling people I was sober. Most everyone is super supportive, some want to know why? Or expect that something horrific happened to me or someone I know. Others ask a lot of questions or share their own experiences with addiction. I rarely run into any negative responses and I always welcome conversation about it.
Overall, it has been a positive experience for me and like I said before, it keeps me accountable. Not wanting to disappoint the people that care about me and are invested in my recovery adds yet another reason for me to stay sober. On top of that, proving the nay-sayers who think I can’t do it doesn’t hurt my ego one bit.
• EDUCATION & KNOWLEDGE
I have immersed myself in a ton of different resources regarding addiction, sobriety, and recovery. I’ve joined a bunch of different Facebook groups, subscribed to a slew of blogs, and read a good amount of books. The more I learn about addiction and others experiences in sobriety, the better equipped I am to handle the everyday battles I face with it. I also feel SO much less alone. Some of the knowledge I’ve gained has given me a whole new perspective and outlook on all of it as a whole. A lot of what I’ve found helps me understand my addiction on a deeper level; the science behind how alcohol affects our bodies, more particularly our brains, fascinates me and honestly, explains so much about the how’s and why’s addiction becomes the monster it does. Isn’t there a saying that there’s no better teacher than experience? Well that applies to our own experiences but those of others as well. Learning through the eyes of others and their experience has helped me tremendously. Below I have a list of some of those resources:
BOOKS:
• “The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober”by Catherine Gray
• “Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol” by Holly Whitaker
• “This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life” by Annie Grace
• “Last Call, Stupid: An Exit Strategy From Toxic Drinking Culture” by Joshua Deen
BLOGS:
• Sober-ish
• UnPickled
• Bottomless to Sober
APPS:
• In The Rooms
• Talking Sober
FACEBOOK GROUPS:
• Addiction Actually
• Sober is Cool
• Sober & Social
• SELF-CARE
This category encompasses some of the aforementioned mentioned things but it deserves its own recognition. It is of the utmost importance to take the time to care for yourself in whatever ways you need to. Self-care activities are any things, big or small, you can do throughout the day that are for you and you only. I journal, workout, take baths, sleep, walk, draw, socialize, get outside, do breathing exercises, meditate, light candles, organize. It’s pretty much anything you do to make yourself happy, to recharge and refuel. It’s so important to intentionally do things for yourself. It’s so easy in recovery to beat ourselves up and constantly try to make up for the past; it’s equally important to make sure you have the energy and right mental capacity to face and cope with those things. Self-care is how you do that so make sure to set aside and dedicate time in the day to do just that; take care of yourself.
oh em hoyt 