oh em hoyt

600 freaking days sober! And a January that feels like it’s been 600 days in itself <hard eye roll>

Ya’ll, I am so SO proud of the accomplishment! I hit 600 days this past Monday; saying it out loud (or typing it) kind of does seem like A LOT of days! I’m getting to the point where a lot of these milestones I keep stacking just feel like normal, regular ‘ol days (which is a good thing right?) Right. It IS a good thing that sobriety feels this normal. But I also don’t want complacency to start creeping in. I’ve made it a long way through putting the effort into staying humble and reminding myself how quickly “normal” can be completely up-ended so I have to stay vigilant and keep at it. I think it’s great that I’m feeling like I don’t need to “try” so hard to stay sober anymore; it’s just who I am now.
And that’s great.

For the past few months though, I feel like I haven’t been pouring as much into sobriety and recovery as I used to and that maybe I need to re-focus my energy on that. I’ve been feeling kind of stifled but I’m kind of wondering how much of that is external forces/influences, how much I’m allowing them to affect me and how I’m choosing to prioritize all of it.

I feel like somewhere along the way I hit this stage where I was no longer struggling to stay sober and “figure it out” as much as I was thriving in it and using it as an advantage and that felt awesome. Things were finally coming to fruition, and I could see the hard work paying off. And I still feel like that’s happening in a lot of little ways, it’s just harder to feel that same sense of thrill and excitement with everything. It’s not the same as it was in the first year – year and a half. Maybe it’s a good thing? Like, it’s not so hard anymore, it’s feeling more normal and my sobriety is stronger than ever.

IDK if this makes any f*cking sense whatsoever. And honestly, what I’m sure most people would say is that I AM DOING IT, I’m waking up every day and staying sober and that is enough. I am enough. And I know that; I am wholeheartedly proud of how far I’ve come; I just feel like there’s more to do. I can’t fully explain it.

So, onto those other things to consider here in an attempt to give myself some grace and understanding and also,

JANUARY REFLECTION/RANT:

Like I said at the start of this post, January feels like it has been 600 frickin’ days. And honestly, I don’t know why I’m even surprised cause every January I feel like this. Maybe it’s cause I am actually feeling things (hey sobriety, there you are!) much more deeply these days.

January started off just fine; I was relieved for the holidays to be over, did some reflecting and manifesting for 2026 and now, as I’m looking at the list of intentions on my vision board, I’m realizing that I actually have been super hard on myself the past couple weeks; I did actually manage to do a lot of what I intended to do. The caveat here is that the intention was to get shit done but slow it down, “be a wintry mix” (this makes me giggle so hard). Problem is, slowing down and just being cozy and still, is hard for someone who has a “go-getter” attitude. It made it difficult for me to feel a sense of accomplishment or contentment.
The crazier part of this is realizing that we actually did get some really cool shit done this month! Re-vamp on the kitchen (new backsplash, faucet, and curtains), a bunch of organizing (closets, craft stuff etc.)

But lorrrrddddd even still, I am SO FCKNG DEEP into seasonal depression it’s unreal. And maybe I’m realizing now that IT’S OKAY. It’s okay to be like “fuck! I feel so lazy, I don’t want to do anything”. Cause I legit don’t. But that’s not me and that’s also not my fault.
OHHHH & then there’s this freaking tooth I need to vacate my mouth! Got an infection in a crack in my tooth that has NO bone connectivity. It was miserable, still is. And also, because winter, the extraction was re-scheduled (snow storm and all) so the past couple weeks have been a struggle. At first, this tooth pain was near debilitating which meant all I wanted to do was sleep and it was impossible to work out without my head feeling like it was going to explode. The infection has cleared up and I’m able to eat a little more close to normal, and I’m back to workouts now. Side note: EXERCISE MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN MY MOOD apparently.

Anyway, I sat back down to re-work this post because after my pity party the other day and feeling so down on myself from the past couple weeks (which I chose NOT to edit out), I literally said to myself,

“What is it that you’re in a rush for/to do?”
I’m kicking myself because I wasn’t fully heeding my own advice, or considering the intentions I had set out to do for January. Which also included “be kind to yourself” along with slow down, stay in bed if you want, HYGGE. It wasn’t until I looked at that list again that I realized I was doing exactly what I was meant to. With the exception that I am also beating myself up over not doing more. And then I also reminded myself that bears fucking hibernate during this time of year; I know it sounds silly but fuck I need to give myself some grace here.

It is the middle of dead ass winter in Rochester, NY. It is cold and miserable, I’m pale, I’m bored, and it’s exhausting to be outside. I’m so underwhelmed with everything that it’s overwhelming to even think about going outside or doing anything at all. AND THAT IS NORMAL. I’m not the only one who feels like this. And, on top of that, I actually am managing to get some things done around the house; I need to get out of my own way and freaking enjoy the time to take it easy. This is a time for rest, to be still, and do some planning. To start thinking about the seeds I want to plant for the spring (both literally and figuratively) and get excited for that.

It is also a good time to do a re-set and re-focus my energy on pouring back into sobriety and my recovery. Go back to the fundamentals (which always helps when I start feeling cagey like this). Get on some more zoom meetings (especially if I’m missing SOS because of work), get back into reading or re-reading Quit Lit again — I forgot that I had strayed away from the Quit Lit for a while. And allow myself to get back into what makes me feel alive and sobriety it a HUGE part of that. Even though it’s so much more normal now, “working” on my sobriety is what keeps me feeling alive, because quite frankly, without it, I probably wouldn’t be.

PERSPECTIVE SHIFT: What a gift sobriety has given me to be alive enough to feel this and get through this (even if I’ve hit a rough patch).

Another thing to note; On top of everything else the depression has made me negative about; I was really struggling with what to do about Tha Shop. I spent the better part of last year focused on getting it open and just putting stuff out there. Then we rolled right into holiday time, and it started feeling forced which totally could have been me putting unrealistic pressure/expectations on myself. And I think the new year and feeling like I’m shaking off this bad slumpy feeling, I’ve been thinking on how to re-brand/re-focus OHEMDESIGNS. I was feeling like I was at a standstill with what direction I want to go with it. I love the stuff I’ve done and created. Again, feeling stifled, stuck, and ho-hum about it all. I need something to re-invigorate it. That also takes a little bit of grace, a pat on the back for it even being a reality in the first place, and not rushing to some “finished” product. It doesn’t need “fixing”, it is evolving and I’ll get there. And as soon as I stop putting that pressure on myself, there’s room for the inspiration and the passion to return.

In hindsight, this 600 Day reflection is exactly what I needed. A reminder of how far I’ve come, but that sometimes it takes hitting 600 days to make ya want to shift the focus again. Re-visit, re-invent, re-focus. And also, take your time, and enjoy the slowness of it all. There is no rush.

“NO ONE GET’S ANYWHERE WORTH GOING BY RUSHING TO GET THERE”

So here’s to a February of fresh, positive vibes and Spring on the horizon!

STAY SAFE • STAY YOU • STAY SOBER AF