oh em hoyt

It is the final day of 2025 & I am a ball (nye pun intended) of thoughts and emotions.
Before I get all caught up in all things 2025, let’s chat about December first.
I have to admit, all throughout the month I had this hard-to-describe feeling of being pulled in different directions and I think in trying to figure out how or what I was “supposed” to be feeling or doing, I ended up in this constant state of melancholy. If you read my last post, December started out kind of low and I think maybe I tried to psych myself up so much that I ended up psyching myself out. Or maybe I’m just not giving myself enough grace or credit where I need to. Seasonal depression is fucking real, grief is real, holiday time is real, and sobriety is MFing real ya’ll!!

I did have a wonderful holiday season. Surface level; my apartment was adorned simply and beautifully, we budgeted well, gave and received thoughtful, useful, and heartfelt gifts, ate good food, worked hard, spent time with family, and enjoyed all the love. All of it was fulfilling and exactly how I wanted it.
But I am so fucking glad it’s over.
And that feels wrong to even say. It feels wrong to want to move on from it because it was wonderful and joyful and all of the things. Maybe because it was harder than I thought it would be.
OR maybe because it wasn’t. I think I’m just now realizing that I thought it would be more difficult; that I would have some triumphant feeling of “getting through” it. And don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of moments where I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, spread too thin, but I managed it all well, and with not as much effort as I thought it’d take. I guess maybe that’s the real triumph. I didn’t give in to any of those feelings; I stayed steady, re-enforced my boundaries, and managed it all really well. <pats self on back> Hi sobriety, thanks yet again, for all of that ❤

I keep coming back to this mentality I had before sobriety; one that I keep somehow, finding myself falling back into, maybe out of old habit, or comfort even. This feeling that life is something we have to survive. And in a lot of ways that’s true right? In a lot of ways that’s how I was looking at the holidays and my new position at the job, and seasonal depression, and grief and all of everything that life tries to throw at us every single day. I keep looking towards the next hurdle, the next thing I have to “get through”; spending all this time on “what’s next?”; the next goal, hitting the next big milestone. I’m not saying that setting goals and expectations for yourself or wanting to do big things and reach new heights is a bad thing. But I continuously keep living in this constant state of survival mode, trying to prove that I can do this, or get through that, and somehow, it all ends up feeling underwhelming afterwards.
Maybe the overwhelmingly beautiful part of it, is realizing that everything isn’t something I have to survive; not everything has to be a battle, and maybe I don’t have anything to left to prove. And maybe that’s the lesson of 2025. This might be a good segway into “my day of 2025 reflections”

I spent all morning going through my camera roll of all the things I’ve compiled throughout 2025 (while also making note that I should really start organizing all this shit better in 2026). I find myself wanting to thank past Emily for all of it. Remembering where my head was at when I saved that quote or made a note of that book I wanted to read, why I snapped that random photo, what made me want to remember that moment. I set out this morning to do a 2025 reflection, make some lists (which I did, and you’ll find below) of accomplishments, improvements, and intentions going into the new year. What I gained though, isn’t just words on paper and lists of things. It’s an almost indescribable feeling of contentment, and excitement.

Without realizing I was doing it, I manifested one of the most powerful years of personal growth I’ve ever “achieved”. I have discovered the deepest and most intense love, appreciation and trust within myself that I’ve ever felt. It’s hard to explain this deep-rooted connection I’ve built with who I am and how that connection intertwines with every aspect of life and the universe. I feel like I am the most whole version of myself with so much more yet to explore and evolve into. 2026 will be a year of appreciating what is and realizing that THAT is more.

And, I think that might be a wrap on my 2025 blog post. Below you’ll find my list of “big shit” from 2025 and some added thoughts/intentions for the new year. It’s mostly for future me to look back and reflect on but have a look if you want and consider taking some time to do one for yourself! I highly encourage it – if nothing else, it can be a point of reference to appreciate where you’ve been, where you are now, and how far you have yet to be.

HAPPY NEW YEAR YA’LL

STAY SAFE • STAY YOU • STAY SOBER AF

MY “BIG SHIT” LIST OF 2025

• MADE MY FIRST JOURNAL – & plenty more versions after that – this was the first of many of my “design” dreams that were made possible in 2025. Crazy to think how integrating daily journaling (especially one that I tailored to my own needs) has helped shape my day to day. Literally a foundation piece to my recovery but now a new “normal” of my daily routine.

• I DID “THE MURPH” ON MEMORIAL DAY – Probably the most challenging fitness goal I’ve done thus far. It was an accomplishment in itself but the bigger pay off was learning what my mind and body was capable of with discipline and routine. Working out and exercising became more of a staple after this. This was unknowingly the groundwork that became creating the basement workout space!

• STARTED OHEMHOYT.COM – And I’m still here! This blog baby has meant so much to me and although it didn’t become what I had originally intended it to, it has allowed me to express myself in different ways and obviously, as I’m still doing today, at the very least, allowed me to get my thoughts out into the interwebs. Side bonus is I have discovered a different “public” writing voice and confidence in how my words translate and hold meaning.

• COMPLETING OUTPATIENT TREATMENT – I honestly feel like that was forever ago because I’ve grown so much in my recovery. This was a humbling one.

• ONE YEAR SOBER AF – A big one, if not the biggest – and it honestly keeps getting better with each day that passes. The gratitude is literally endless.

• I BOUGHT A BICYLCE – this is one I am SO excited about for 2026! My hubby and I started bike riding towards the tail end of summer, and I am so hyped about more bike ride adventures and exercise for Spring/Summer 2026!

• GARDEN/OUTDOOR SPACE – Made a small little garden space with flowerpots, vegetables (that actually grew!), and painted an old bench. Spent a lot of time out there relaxing and reading. It was good for my soul & I treated it as part of my “self-care” for the summer. I’m planning a bigger and more “secluded” space for this year!

• VACATION & TEDDY SWIMMS IN ERIE, PA – Literally everything my heart needed.

• “THE SPACEMENT” – We made our own little at home gym in the basement. More to come in 2026 but it is such a game-changer to have a place at home to work out especially when the weather is crappy.

• I GOT PROMOTED AT WORK – It felt like this was a timing and universe kind of thing – I needed the change more than I even knew. It is and will continue to be a challenge but having the confidence to know that I’m up for it, makes all the difference.

• WE LOST DENIM – 2025 hasn’t been without its hardships and losing our cat was one of the toughest. Denz left the human world in May, and I miss his cuddles every day. I do love that he is buried at my sisters in a beautiful garden where we can visit him any time we want.

• I AM FREE FROM THE LAW – And in a lot of ways it felt like turning the final page on all of the bad decisions I had made in my drinking days. There was a weight of that dark cloud finally being lifted.

• OHEMDESIGNS – Another HUGE “design dream” made a reality. Tha Shop has been my little design baby for the past few months and in October, she was born! I’ve sold a few things and made a little money but more than anything, I’m actually making something worthwhile, and doing something I’m not only passionate about, but that I’m good at. I’m so excited for what’s in store (pun intended) and to see how far I can take it in 2026 and beyond.

It’s super important that I make a side note here:

Although, all of this “big shit” is amazing and worth noting, I have carried this one “theme” or notion throughout 2025 and I will continue to carry it through 2026. It truly is in all the little moments, and the small wins that make the big ones possible. It’s taking chances but also building a foundation that helps grow the confidence it takes to make those moves. I owe all of that to my sobriety for humbling me but also making me so damn proud of all I’ve been able to accomplish because of it.

LITTLE WINS = BIG MEANS