oh em hoyt

Ya’ll, I am usually full of the positivity & unicorns & all that rainbows & butterflies type shit whenever a new month comes around. I love that there’s a time stamp for reflection and most times a new, more intentional shift of energy. And that still rings true, but I walked into December with a heaviness that is harder to shake in this, twelfth chapter of 2025. And I’ve been sitting with that weight for a few days now and recognizing that it is okay to be feeling this way.

To start right off the bat with the darker shit, and hopefully give some context, December 1st is the anniversary of one of my earliest childhood friend’s deaths. She OD’d 8 years ago this past Monday. And to be fair and state the obvious, the shit never gets any easier and I know that everyone navigates grief differently. The further layer of this though is that I am now navigating it through a clear, sober lens; and finally allowing myself to feel it, and that is raw and vulnerable, and deeply personal.
I think of Amanda often, and even more so now through my recovery. Not because she battled with her own addiction (that’s a separate heaviness altogether) but more so because sobriety has given me a chance at a different life, a fuller one that I desperately wish she could be a part of and get to see. When I’m out there living, so present and finally whole, I catch myself in so many moments thinking “Manda would love this”. I do certain things intentionally the way she would, I feel them, the way she would make me feel them, carefree and with wreckless abandon. Those are the parts of her that will always be here, and I’m keeping them alive now, in decisive, intentional ways that honors who she was and what she meant in this world.

The thing about grief too, is that it carries through in everything else. It becomes this steady weight you subconsciously carry around with you and most days, especially after all these years now (still unfathomable), it just shows up as these quiet little reminders that it’s still there. But now, at this specific time, the anniversary of her death, and birthdays, and holidays, it feels like the load gets a little heavier. And as someone who used to use the crutch of alcohol to numb all of it out, it’s a learning process of being able to sit in these feelings, not letting them fester, but work their way through and out of me at whatever pace they need to.

Okay <deep sigh>, that whole grief heaviness aside, the new position at work is kicking my ass. There I said it. I tried the whole “it’s really not that bad, and they just need some structure, and consistency” and yadayadada. Honestly, that is actually still true, and all those things will happen over time. And so will the next part that is actually the most challenging of all. The job itself is not difficult, even with the challenges of taking over a decimated staff and being in a department that feels like constantly trying to keep my head above water most days, that I can handle and figure out how to make better. What I didn’t expect was how much the little nuances of the day to day routine were going to affect me on a personal level. Some days, I feel so uneasy and unsettled, I feel like I’m gunna throw up. It’s the inconsistency of schedule (which outside of training, will get more set and feel more secure), but also the daily routines down to the smallest things like where I hang my coat, where I put my water bottle, where I take my breaks. It’s all different, and not inherently bad, or worse, or better, just different and I didn’t realize how much that has been throwing me off internally.

**SOBRIETY IS MY CONSTANT NOW – IT TAUGHT ME TO RELY ON MY FUNDAMENTALS

And as always, there’s always just trying to fit in all the regular life stuff that it is also reverberating with those inconsistencies as well.

So, November was not as electric and sprinkled with all these moments of fulfillment and profound-ness as I’d hoped for and/or that I had been experiencing in the months prior. And I’m coming to a place where that, in itself can maybe be profound too. That it doesn’t always have to be these huge moments of epiphany and accomplishment. Maybe the purpose of the reflection is just to slow things down long enough to process it all through a steady, clear, grounded lens.

So that’s what the goal is for December, even with all the chaos of holiday season, navigating the heaviness of grief, I want to find peace in how simply beautiful everyday life can be. I want to intentionally feel more, to sit with myself and reflect, not only on the big things, but all the little things that contribute to my wholeness.

Here’s to the twelfth chapter of 2025, may it be filled with things that fill my tank and fuel my heart. To embracing winter in a new way, the joy and magic of Christmas, reflection, inflection, and many many blessings.

Ya’ll, ILY

STAY SAFE • STAY YOU • STAY SOBER AF