oh em hoyt

OH MY, YOU GUYS!

I have been so neglectful about keeping up with the blog! Full honesty, the insta community has been an easier platform/outlet to stay current with. I feel like I’m learning that the blog has its own separate purpose. The oh.em.hoyt.sober.af insta account has become a great way to connect with others, an amazing source of empowerment, and the creative outlet I’ve needed. And the blog now feels more like a therapeutic dump (for lack of a better term), to work through and reflect on larger chunks of time passing.

Although I hate to feel like I’ve like “let it go”, maybe it has just organically turned into something I need in a different way. And that’s fine. I can literally find a way to beat myself up over anything clearly lol.

The past couple months have been a whirlwind, and it is time for a good reflection sesh to get it all out! Since my last post, A LOT has transpired; lots of change, new challenges, loss, gains, perseverance, growth, new perspectives, excitement, determination, and a ton of joy.

I’m also on the cusp of my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY so that shit is wild and I just have a lot swirling around in my head at the moment. It feels like
I need to release some of these energized thoughts into the sober-verse!

Question is, where to start?

I think the biggest change/challenge happened right around mid-end of April/beginning of May. My husband quit his job (it honestly was for the best cause his job was sucking the life out of him). The circumstances were kind of fucked and it was a pretty sudden decision with no real plan as to what was going to happen next.

A few months back we had the discussion about his father moving back home (he’s been living in Florida for the past 3-ish years) and moving in with us. I know, I know, HUGE change and I had SO many reservations about the whole thing for SO many different reasons. My biggest fear was the potential threat such a big move would pose to my sobriety. Let me start with this; I don’t like people in my house or in my space. I think my own parents have come over for dinner once, maybe twice when my ma helped me paint, in like 15 years. They’ve probably only ever been in my apartment for extended periods of time when we were on vacation to feed my cats.
I’ve had people at my place plenty of times to drink and get fucked up but outside of that, I really like my space to be just that; MY SPACE.

I could go on and on about all the red flags that went up regarding anyone staying with us, let alone my husband’s father moving in for an undetermined amount of time. Cue all the anxieties and worry. But, this is his father, the man who is one half of the reason he’s in this world and I was never going to say no. So, on to trying to figure out the best time to make this all happen; the original thought was after graduation season (busy season for hubby’s job) but when he quit, it suddenly was like “well might as well go get him and bring him home now while you have the time”. The whole thing seemed like A LOT all at once and I was nervous but I remember thinking it was like this “just rip the bandaid off” kind of situation. Like, my thought process was like “well, might as well deal with all this shit now, and figure it out as we go” instead of sitting in this cloud of anxiety of what was to come for another month or longer.

In the past, all of this would have just been a really good excuse to stay drunk and exponentially add to the chaos. But, my thought process in a sober, clear mind said that I was so much better equipped to deal with it all now instead of letting it fester longer and worry for what I was ultimately and inevitably going to have to face anyway.

In a moment of fear of the unknown yet also the utmost clarity, I said “fuck it, let’s just do it!” We took out a small loan to cover costs of the moving process and also give us a financial cushion for the fact that my husband (who was making a significant amount more money than I was) would be out of work for at least a couple of weeks. I’d like to make it clear that I was never worried that he would be able to find another job as soon as he was ready. But, finding the right fit for the life we want to live was more important this time around.

So my husband left for Florida the last Tuesday of April and the plan was to pack dad up, drive home and have a new roommate by that Saturday.

And then came the curveball. Our beloved cat Denim had reached the end of his days. Cue the tears and this side story of the final days of Denim’s long, epic, love-filled life. We kind of knew for a while that his days were numbered. Dude was approaching 18 years (that’s a long time) and he had been having issues with his stomach for a while. In the days leading up to Dylan’s trip to FL, he was barely eating and the morning Dyl left, it was like he knew that there was a possibility that Denim wasn’t going to make it til he returned. By the following day, that was a clear fact. Dyl managed to pack his dad’s whole life up in half a day and was set to return 2 days earlier than we originally thought. I literally begged Denim to hold on while I watched him go from bad to worse. I just needed him to hold on until Dyl could get home to say goodbye. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be the one. It had to be Dylan. I watched this cat whom I had grown to love and cherish for 10+ years slowly die in front of me for two days straight and it was awful.

But Denim held on. Just long enough for Dylan to make it home and that night, Thursday May 1st we put our good boy down for his final sleep.

The next day, we buried him in my sister’s yard and let him rest.
• RIP Denim aka Bubs [ 07.04.07 – 05.01.25 ] •

So now, gut wrenched and emotionally fucking drained, we also have his dad home with a trailer full of shit (so much shit) to unpack and get situated. Oh! and, I also have to work the entire weekend. To say I was stressed out is a gross understatement.

I really didn’t even feel like I had the space to even grieve properly due to the necessity to get everything else situated. I kind of went into auto-pilot for a few days. I knew we needed to do right by putting Denim to rest, while also focus on getting the apartment in order from the move. It was a chaotic weekend and by the end of it, while looking over finances, I literally walked out of the apartment in the middle of cooking dinner. I was overwhelmed and felt like a lot of the plans/expectations I had about the whole thing from the beginning hadn’t turned out the way I anticipated. This is one of the many things I need to start working through in therapy. Not the new roommate, not the invasion of my personal space, not our epic cat dying. The fact that I am constantly setting expectations of myself and others, most times, unrealistic ones, and then feeling this loss of control when things don’t go exactly how I saw them happening.

I did take a few minutes to feel bad for myself, rage a little inside, cry a little outside, and then gathered myself and went back in to finish a really delicious dinner. Here’s the kicker, I FELT BAD. I felt bad for creating this negative energy. I kind of felt like Dylan was like walking on eggshells for days. He was being so understanding, accommodating, and hypersensitive to my feelings which I am so grateful for. He was put in a tough situation and handled it with love and compassion all while grieving the loss of his best buddy of 18 years.

I guess what I’m starting to learn is that two things can be true at the same time. I can be worried and anxious about how our dynamic is going to change while also being excited about the fact that we’re going to actively be trying more to make sure that if and when it does, that change is for the better.

I can be pissed off and scared that we hemorrhaged money on expenses to get his dad home and situated but also pretty proud of the fact that when it came to managing our bills on one income for over a month, I did a pretty damn good job!

Full circle sobriety takeway is this;

For one, had I been drinking, all of what transpired would have been even more chaotic and I probably would still be dealing with the aftermath of it all at this very moment. On top of that, due to my drinking, I probably would have created more bad situations that took my focus off of the important ones. My anxiety and guilt from drinking instead of actually dealing, would have again, made everything worse.

Drinking makes everything worse.

So, it’s been 3 weeks since we lost Denim, and gained a roommate and aside from a few little hiccups, and the fact that I will never be okay with watching spinoffs of Star Trek, things are going surprisingly well. Dylan and I have had plenty of good quality time to ourselves, dad is very mindful and respectful of our space, I’m enjoying our dinner time as a family even though it makes me miss his mom SO much. Side note: I almost feel like she’s here with us, making comments on how great our dinner choices have been and how much she loves it all! The “new normal” isn’t that bad at all.

On top of that, my training for the Murph has been going fucking great! I honestly feel like I’m in the best shape I’ve been in, probably since highschool, maybe ever. The workout regimen I’m on is not intense enough for it to consume me and make me hate it, I’m actually enjoying the daily running, for the first time EVER, I actually think positive thoughts about cardio lol. I feel strong, and capable of more, and least important, but still kinda cool, I can actually see the fruits of it all. The exercising and workouts started as just a way to keep from drinking but it has become such a huge part of my life and I absolutely love how it makes me feel. I’ve never felt more in tune with my body and it’s incredible. Even on rest days, I’m getting out and doing something phyiscal, a brisk walk, quick 10 minutes run, stretching etc. Constantly checking in with my body has given me a better sense of self and I love it.

Aside from that, work is challenging me as my manager is out of the department for the next two weeks; it’s already been frustrating but nothing I can’t handle. This is an opportunity to show that I can manage on my own and prove that I’m worthy of promotion when the time comes. By end of year, I’d like for the ball to be rolling on that.

Other things to look forward to:

• ONE YEAR SOBERVERSARY – ya’ll it is 12 days away!! I nailed down the celebratory dinner/mocktail hour – doing an informal dinner thing at Fiamma (we went to check it out last week and it was amazing!) with a few people; the fam, my lunch club friend, a friend from SOS, my manager/bestie Shannon and her hubby, and Lucia, the cheese shop manager who have been my biggest cheerleaders! I’m super excited/anxious/nervous. I don’t usually plan to celebrate myself so it’s an awkward kind of feeling but one year of sobriety is something I honestly never imagined to be possible and it’s worth celebrating GDit!

• TEDDY SWIMMS/ERIE GLAMPING – I am so fucking excited to see Teddy Swimms in concert! Ya’ll, I discovered and listened to the Tedster in my first few months of sobriety and listened to everything he’s put out for months on repeat! I hesitated last fall on getting tickets to his show in Syracuse and by the time I decided to go ahead and buy them, it was sold out so when I got the notification a few months ago that he was coming to Erie, PA, I jumped on it. The show is July 21st and it’ll be mine and Dylan’s first big concert together and we decided to get an Air BnB and stay a couple nights in PA to do some glamping/hiking/exploring. We booked the Air BnB last week and I’m so amped about it! It’s a friggin’ dome home! So without being exposed the elements, and bugs!, it’ll feel like sleeping right on the Alleghany River! We’re staying over Sunday night to Monday, have that day to hike and explore, concert that night, and leave Tuesday morning. AND, I took the rest of the week of vacation from work! So stoked on it!

• Aside from those major things, I’m just really excited for a full summer of sobriety; to soak up all the sun, do all the workouts, run and hike, create moments and memories that I can fully appreciate and continue to fucking kick ass in recovery! Now onto my one-year reflection of sobriety post and setting some goals for post-anniversary plans.

Stay Safe • Stay You • Stay Sober.af ✌🏼