oh em hoyt

Next week I get my completion certificate from outpatient treatment. It will have been 10+ months since I started, and it is time to move forward in the next steps of my recovery. I could feel for a while that my time in the program was coming to an end; I have been in what “they” call maintenance stage of recovery for a few months now and per the program guidelines, I have checked all the boxes so-to-speak. More importantly, I do think that I’m ready to move on and start a new chapter.

I keep coming back to this;

there is no finish line in sobriety.

You don’t just wake up one day and feel like you’re done, that it’s over, and you’re somehow magically cured. That way of thinking also implies that having a problem with alcohol is in fact a disease, something I’m not sure I fully support (more on this for another post)

Anyway, I’m saying that just because I’m completing this BIG part of my sobriety (which totally deserves a pat on the back), doesn’t mean there isn’t still work for me to do. The chemical dependency program was exactly what I needed in the first several months of sobriety. It helped me navigate a world without alcohol. I learned coping strategies to help identify triggers, deal with cravings, and how to get through each day without wanting to use.
A lot of my focus for the first few months of sobriety was solely on building a good foundation of recovery; creating a sober toolkit filled with my support squad, coping skills, self-care strategies, new routines and forming healthy habits.

I am so grateful and proud to say that I finally feel safe and secure within my recovery (not something I ever get complacent about). I rarely get triggered anymore and I have zero desire to ever drink again. If and when I have bad days or those thoughts creep in, I have all the skills to manage them and I’m better because of it. Not only do I know and acknowledge all of the horrible reasons why drinking was no good, I can’t imagine giving up any of the things I’ve gained through sobriety.

That being said, I now have started seeing a new therapist who has an extensive background in addiction counseling but also tackles a variety of other subjects. My goals and intentions are to get down to the root causes behind why my drinking got to the point that it did. Finally starting to really tackle some of the “stuff” that held me down for so long. All the reasons I turned to alcohol in the first place. Anxiety, insecurity, self-doubt, family dynamics, loss & grief, avoiding tough feelings and emotions. The list is long and overwhelming.

What was I trying to escape from? More importantly, how do I move forward and break free of all those negative emotions and feelings?

It’s scary and it’s going to take a lot of work to really face some of the not-so-great parts of myself that I’ve tried to ignore for so long. It’s so easy to blame the alcohol for making me do all the bad shit I did but there also has to be some level of accountability on the part I played as well.

So, here’s to getting down to the core parts of myself, working through some tough shit, and being better because of it.

Stay safe, stay you, stay sober af ❤