oh em hoyt

Why am i such a cornball? Just over here giggling at the title of this post. Quick side note: one of the MANY reasons I love being sober; being unapologetically me. I think it’s an endearing quality of mine that I think the corniest shit is so funny. And even if I’m the only one who thinks it is, that’s AOK with me!

Anyway, it is March 27th and I cannot believe how fast this month has flown by. Maybe it’s just a thing that happens when you get older or maybe it’s that I’ve been spending my days being so present and doing fulfilling shit but I keep getting to the end of the month and being like “holy shit, I can’t believe it’s almost the end of March!”

I’ve also been super intentional about taking opportunities to reflect. The end of March marks a quarter of the year passing. It’s fucking nuts when you put that into perspective right? We are also officially in Spring! Although, the Rochester weather has yet to fully grasp the fucking concept. Just over here waiting for Mother Nature to catch up and get a long stretch of some good weather!

March was a solid month filled with mostly good things, a couple of bumps in the road but with good takeaways (silver linings, right?)

• We had a trip to the ER – hubby did a bad thing; slept in his contacts, managed to scrape (that word itself makes me cringe) 90% of his cornea off and we spent idk, something like 8 hours at the hospital mid-week. He is luckily on the mend, will probably not be wearing contacts in the near future if ever, and hopefully no permanent damage was done.

Strange unforeseen silver lining; I kept thinking back to the last time we were in the emergency room a few years ago. What ended up being a bad case of his acid reflux, was initially a heart scare and he was admitted overnight, EKG and the whole nine. There was one major difference between that hospital stint and this one; I was sober this time.

As much as it disgusts me to admit, this was a glaring reminder of how far out of control my drinking had been. I remember being so agitated the whole time we were there and not because the whole experience of being in the ER sucks in general. But because all I could think about was drinking. I was more focused on when I could leave to go drink than I was about whether my husband was going to be okay. I was more relieved that I could use it as an excuse to call off of work and get drunk, than I was to find out it was just a bad case of eating shitty food. How fucked up is that way of thinking? I hate thinking that that was the reality of how my mind worked. But it was.

Fast forward to this go around: I was super calm and patient. The worry of what was up with his eyeball aside, of course it was uncomfortable and annoying to have to wait around for answers, I was able to really be present for him, making sure he was as comfortable as possible, had whatever he needed, I finished a good book while we waited, and my focus was never on anything besides being there with him. I know this must seem like a “duh” kind of thing, but it just highlighted the kind of fucked up of person my addiction had turned me into. That a couple years ago, it was more of a priority for me to leave my husband at the hospital to go home and grab beers to drink in the ER parking garage than it was to stay by his side.

It’s shit like that that seriously slaps you back into sober reality. It sucks to think of all the ways I was such a shitty person (wife), but it also makes me so grateful to have my sobriety and have the opportunity to be better for myself and in turn, a better wife for him.

I’ve come into this feeling of normalcy when it comes to my sobriety which is fucking awesome but then stuff like this happens and I get a swift jolt right back to the depths of shitsville. But, it keeps me humble and accountable, and it’s little reminders like these that make me so fucking happy to be thriving in sobriety.

Moving on, besides the ER visit, March brought some other exciting things!

• On the work front, I’ve been given the opportunity to step into more of a leadership role while my manager is out of the department for 8 weeks. EEk! I initially and of course, have reservations but putting the natural anxiety that comes with more responsibility aside, it feels good that she and upper management think highly enough of me to step up in her absence. I feel confident and prepared and to be honest, I don’t think much will change in the day to day (except for the fact that it’s not gunna be nearly as fun without her); either way, it’s a good opportunity for me to showcase and further develop my skills so I say, bring it on Weggos!

• Uhhh, what else? Work with the new therapist is going well. She has me looking at my childhood and upbringing, lots of backstory on family dynamics which is giving me some insight into what drives me as an adult. It’s highlighting some of the shit I already knew but also putting it into a new perspective. I think some of the major focus for me is on re-establishing expectations, addressing the things I’m willing to tolerate and then setting new boundaries. I’m learning that somewhere along the way I’ve set all of these unrealistic expectations of myself and others that are in a lot of ways rooted in just having an unhealthy perspective. I have to shift my outlook a bit and I’m excited to delve into more of that.

• I’ve really been spending a lot of time and putting effort into the IG sober community. It’s been a learning experience and honestly, super fun. I get to use my creativity to design posts, share experiences and highlights of my day on my story, and best of all, connect with other people in sobriety. I love seeing everyone else’s posts; it’s inspiring and motivating, and it makes me feel so much less alone. I’ve connected more personally with a few people but even just scrolling through every day and seeing all of these people who are so passionate and dedicated to living more full lives in sobriety, makes me feel so empowered and part of something bigger.

• So, more exciting things on the horizon! Super excited for my first spring season of sobriety! Separate post for that coming later today. I’m going to pull from and expand on an IG post I made last week. But first, mama needs a stretch and some lunch. So glad I set aside this time on my day off to really sit down and get some posts done! It’s a bit overdue but always good to get stuff out of my head and into the multi-verse!

Yo!…

Stay stafe, stay you, & stay sober af! ☮