oh em hoyt

This topic came up in my SOS meeting Thursday and it’s something I’ve been tossing around for a while now. One of the group members shared about a friend of his who has been in and out of sobriety for years, at one point had years of sobriety under his belt, recently relapsed but has now been clean for several months. He posed this question to the group:

Do you think there’s a difference between being sober and being in recovery?

He argues that although his friend may not currently be using or even on the verge of relapse, he doesn’t consider him to be “in recovery.” I all but jumped out of my seat to share my thoughts on this. Not regarding his friend of course because, one, I have no clue who this person is and two, I try my damnedest not to judge, label, or classify anyone who chooses not to use. However, I do think there’s a huge difference between abstaining/being sober/not using and being in recovery.

Before I go on, I’d like to be clear that I 100% think that getting and staying sober is one of the most difficult and badass things a person can do. I in no way mean to discount the accomplishment of that in itself. But I think it’s important to share my experience on this because it might just give anyone in the early stages of sobriety a little bit of hope, maybe some courage, or the push that they need to jumpstart the process of recovery.

Early on, I’d say like the first month or two, my only focus was and had to be solely on getting through each day without drinking. My motto for those early days became “it doesn’t matter what you do today, as long as you don’t drink.” Those first weeks were rough, and I thought about drinking more than I thought about anything else. Even if it wasn’t wanting or needing to physically drink, somehow everything I did circled back around to the glaring fact that I didn’t, that I couldn’t. I was consumed with my non-consumption.

Here’s the kicker; at one point or another, and I can’t say exactly when, I went from being a person who was sober to a person in recovery. The more time that passed, the further distance I got from my last day of use, a shift started to happen. My focus moved from simply removing alcohol from the equation (not a simple task whatsoever) to what it was I needed to add to replace it. Some of this happened organically; without booze and/or subsequent hangovers, I started sleeping better, eating like a (somewhat) normal human, my mind was clearer, and my anxiety and constant worry were much more manageable. I developed a toolbox full of ways to manage stress, curb cravings, feel and deal with my emotions (this is a HUGE one), and work through triggers when they reared their ugly heads. What came from this was an incredible journey of discovering or re-discovering who I was at my core, what I valued, and a better sense of self than I had ever had before.

Fair warning, this is where I get a little preach-y. More & more lately I’ve caught myself saying the same cliche things that I fuckin’ hated hearing when I first got sober. I completely understand and don’t blame you if you find yourself thinking “fuck this try-hard, happy-go-lucky, pink cloud floating, high-horse riding chick who thinks she knows everything” but I ask you to hear me out.

I “tried” getting sober before. Many times. Most of said times were due to my reckless drinking getting me into trouble with the law. I faced jail time multiple times if I didn’t abstain from drinking. So I stopped when I was forced to. Most times, only for the few days before I had to take a urine screen to prove I was indeed maintaining sobriety. I was sober for a little over a month a couple years ago but it was more of a half ass attempt to see if I could actually do it if I put in just a little bit of effort. For those who don’t quite get the picture, I was bullshitting my way through treatment just to appease the court so they didn’t send me to jail and even when I had a little bit of time sober, I never really intended to never drink again. I was the definition of a ‘dry drunk’. Someone who takes a break from booze (or removes it completely) but doesn’t do any of the deeper work that is really required to address why they were drinking in the first place.

For years, and years, and years, I was living in this fantasy world where my drinking wasn’t that bad, other people had more of a problem than I did, and that if I had to, I could quit, cut back, and go back to drinking like “normal” people do at any time.

This is where the difference lies; it’s the mindset. Being sober, not actively drinking is one thing and it’s great; I think any amount of time you stop putting poison into your body is fucking awesome. But, accepting the fact that the relationship you have with alcohol is toxic and no longer good for you and the people around you, that is the first step towards recovery. Admitting that you and drinking in moderation is just not an option, and fully committing to the process of sobriety; that’s recovery. Believing that you’re better without alcohol than you ever were with it; that’s recovery. Doing the work of addressing the root causes of why you drank in the first place; that’s recovery. Replacing alcohol with people, places, and things that bring you joy; that’s recovery. Creating, building, and maintaining a fulfilling, purposeful life; that’s recovery.

Loving the life you’re living so much that you don’t need to drink; that’s recovery.