oh em hoyt

I’ve had a couple topics for blog posts swirling around in my head (and on my blog to-do list) for over a week now. The past week has leant itself to other responsibilities/priorities/engagements and given that I have the morning and most of the afternoon off of work and free to myself, I fully intended to start those posts. However, here I sit at my computer with the urge to share something else entirely.

Last night my dear friend Lynn and I went to a Live to Film showing of The Wizard of Oz at the Auditorium Theatre (which was full of nostalgia and childlike laughter & fun!). She loves pizza so I suggested we go to the place I used to work (a brewery/beer hall) because they have great wood-fired pizza. Now, with the exception of the first month or so when I was more or less completely isolated, I haven’t had a problem with being in bars or around people who drink so that wasn’t what made me so nervous. I think what gave me more of a twinge of anxiety was seeing people who I used to work with who I hadn’t seen in a very long time, for the first time sober.

it was like most things I overthink and worry about, nothing I should have even given much thought to at all. Everyone was genuinely happy to see me, we exchanged pleasantries and well wishes, and it was quite nice. Some of these people I have been friends with for most of my adult life and it was so good to see them. The interactions I had were the norm for people you may find yourself falling out of touch with for whatever reasons. Life happens and people drift apart but I have always been silently rooting for them, and them for me, even if from the sidelines as spectators. I’m fully aware and accept the fact that life gets in the way, and you lose touch with people when you don’t see them day in and day out and, as I told my friend Colleen, I have never once questioned the love and friendship I have with her, nor have I ever thought that it was her fault for not reaching out, checking in, or calling. And for the first time, I didn’t apologize for it or blame myself either.

It did, however, force me to admit the fact that I had been removed from my social circle long before getting sober. Oftentimes while I sit pretty up on my pink cloud, I tend to avoid facing all the shitty stuff that happened as a result of my drinking. When my drinking went from bad to worse, I didn’t want to be around anyone. For fear someone would notice I had been drinking, not want to drink with me, or worse, tell me I shouldn’t. I was isolating completely. If I couldn’t drink, I didn’t want to do it. I was drinking from morning to night and being around people meant running the risk of my drinking somehow being questioned or put in jeopardy. And we couldn’t have that. I stopped making plans, I made excuse after excuse as to how busy I was, made empty promises of dinner dates and tons of “let’s get together soon” texts. In hindsight, and at an attempt to make myself feel better about being a shitty, alcoholic friend, I was probably doing them a favor. I wouldn’t have wanted to hang out with me when I was like that.

I don’t do the whole Twelve Step thing and instead of trying to make amends for all of my wrong doings (and there are a fuck ton), I choose to do that through staying sober and being a better person in general. I will not apologize for the time I needed to take to get sober, to work on myself, to sit in isolation and learn to love and appreciate solitude. It is still difficult to not feel bad for missing out on huge life changing events in the lives of the people I care about or even all of the little ones.

I’m just now starting to feel like I can open myself back up to re-kindling some of those friendships or shit, at least making an effort to check in again. The monster in my brain keeps thinking of myself as the “fair-weather friend” I used to loathe. But I can’t let the monster win; I have so much good in my life now and I shouldn’t be ashamed to want to share it! On top of that, I’m in such a better position to be a better person and friend. This is the first time in a long time I genuinely feel like a person worthy of other people wanting to be around.

I wanted to share the experience because it brings up this recurring theme/topic that’s been on my mind throughout my recovery. The fear of losing people because you get sober. Or relationship dynamics shifting and changing. What if this person doesn’t like sober me? I probably can’t hang out with this person anymore because they drink like a fish. I won’t be any fun if I’m not drinking … etc.

There’s a whole list of fears (both realistic and batshit crazy) you obsess over when thinking about getting sober. Which by the way, will be another post entirely. Look for a “Fears v. Reality” post coming soon! The silver lining: Sobriety allows you to better manage the fears and anxieties, and, in most scenarios, the realities are a thousand times better than the fear that your mind creates!

Basically, what I’m saying is, don’t ever apologize for getting sober, for what it took for you to get there, and for being in a different place because of it! The people who truly care and matter most will be there with you the whole way (even if they’re cheering you on from afar) and the ones who aren’t, the ones who don’t make it there with you, they weren’t meant to be there anyway.

✌🏼